anniversaries of trauma: or, in which i talk about my dark day

In the beginning seasons of Gilmore Girls, Luke disappears for one day every year. Lorelai cannot figure out why and Babette informs her it’s his ‘dark day’. On the anniversary of his father’s death every year, Luke removes himself from society. He shuts down his diner, goes fishing and remembers.

Yesterday was my dark day.

Four years ago, in the name of loving me, the church I belonged to and was volunteering for declared me to be a “damaging and harmful” individual in the lives of teenagers and both implied and outright said I had engaged in inappropriate behaviour. They complied a list of evidence, which I was not permitted to see, and gave me no chance to respond. They ordered me to cease working and interacting with all young people immediately. While they communicated they hoped I would stay within the congregation I am not entirely sure how they expected me to. It took me three and a half years to consider joining another institutional congregation. There are so many nuances of that day and that event and that reality. Know I take responsibility for any of my actions which appeared on that list, but I will never agree with how I was treated or spoken about.

A significant piece of me died that day. I lost a family, an identity and a place. I felt moorless and afraid to go out into public in that town in case I ran into someone. I was asked to never speak to any of the young people ever again even in public and I tried to take that request – which was a little insane – seriously. If I saw them in Target, I walked out. If I saw a parent at Chilli’s, I left. I essentially turned into a hermit in my house. I lost friends and there are people I thought would be family for me forever who have rarely spoken to me since.

You can imagine that whenever people talk about ‘church discipline’ I get a little antsy.

For anyone reading this who has not been a member of a congregation, this may seem a little insane. It was just a horrible set of things said to me – why the mourning? I completely understand your confusion. Let me say these people had verbally pledged to me to be ‘family’ and to love me and guide me through seminary. Instead, they shunned me. I now also get a little antsy when institutions use family language.

So every year on that day, I take a dark day. I remember and cry and mourn the moments which shifted the direction of my life. I may also say nasty things about the man who compiled that list. I pause to remember the girl who trusted the church to be a good place who would love her and believe in her and champion her and how I’m not actually sure I miss her. But then I remember the past four years. The years of healing and hope, the years of people who rallied around me and assured me I was not a bad youth worker and did, in fact, have a place in the Global Church. The ways in which my definition of church has changed and how I like it better. I’m proud of how I have risen from that day and who I am now.

However, the 25^th of April will always be marked with deep breaths, quiet reflection and gratefulness for hope and resurrection.

 

this and that from various weeks

So remember that time I thought I’d still have time to blog as I did my PhD? Well wasn’t that a hilarious fiction. Next week I turn in a really significant document to my journey and then I plan to return to this forum again. But again, that could be a hilarious fiction. Anyway. I wanted to throw some of these things out there. It’s bits and bobs which have been making me happy over the past month(s, possibly).

Raising a Powerful Girl from PBS

Lent is a chance to imagine a changed world from The Guardian

Happy Things Happening in Waco from Sports Illustrated

This playlist on 8Tracks

This list from Sarah Bessey

Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast from NPR

In a related note, I’ve read some really excellent books lately but they’re all part of my nerd life. If, however, you are interested in Ulster Protestantism, you must pick up Northern Protestants: An Unsettled People by Susan McKay. In an unrelated topic, if you’re interested in dystopian YA fiction, then you must pick up Ender’s Game by Orson Scott Card. If you’re interested in really good music which includes fiddles, you must get some stuff by the Dubliners and the Wolf Tones.

 

 

conversations I am simply tired of having

I, as a woman, am tired.

I’m tired of being told I’m second rate in a thousand subtle ways, I’m tired of being told that fighting for equal pay makes me militant or ungrateful, I’m tired of living under double standards and I’m tired of my worth to many being judged by my reproductive choices.

I, as a Christian, am tired.

I’m tired of the myth of homogeneity, I’m tired of having to defend my faith with a tone of shame in my voice as I sip beer or watch Sex and the City and I’m tired of having to figure out how evangelical any friend is before I can be vulnerable about things.

Today I am especially tired that we – as a religious system – keep seem to fighting the wrong fights.

The most recent installment of “Things Which Make Kristen’s Blood Boil” is the bru-ha-ha over the use of the word “vagina” in a new book by Rachel Held Evans. She explains the whole thing on her excellent blog and it is worth a read. But for those who want the Reader’s Digest version, here it is. In a book about womanhood and its relationship to Christianity, Rachel’s publishers are telling her to eliminate the word “vagina” because Christian bookstores (Family and Lifeway in particular I assume) will not carry it if its in there.

<Insert my best Amy Poehler impression>

REALLY?! 

Really, Christian booksellers? Really? These are the lines you’re choosing to draw? And even if Rachel’s editors are being overly cautious and booksellers still would sell the book… REALLY? Because the thing is I have yet to speak to anyone familiar with this world who isn’t surprised.

I don’t want this to turn into a vitriolic rant against the Christian publishing industry; what I really want to question is this: It is the year of our Lord two thousand and twelve and we’re still uncomfortable with using words speaking about female anatomy? So much so that we would possibly deny an important voice to be distributed? We have no problem with selling all manner of violations of the separation between church and state or works which perpertuate the health & wealth gospel which seems to be so very popular in my beloved country at this point. The problem we have is with the word “vagina.”

I think we’re having the wrong conversations. 

I think we should be wrestling with an appropriate response to capitalism, human rights violations, and the state of the American education system. We should be working the best we can at every moment to love our neighbors as ourselves and to love the Lord our God with all our being. We should be trying to be gracious and kind, loving and hospitable. We should be figuring out how to deal with theological and orthopraxic realities regarding homosexuality. We should be fixing the foster care system.

Because here is the deal, love crumpets. If you believe God created the whole world, then He created vaginas. And I’m fairly sure He’s comfortable with the word.

 

 

 

pro-life, pro-birth, pro-choice: thoughts on the conversation

Want to make a difference? Be pro-LIFE, not just anti-abortion.

-Adopt a kid. Adopt two kids. Encourage your friends to adopt, your churches. Adopt so many kids (and not just cute babies) that white people in grocery lines judge YOU. The Church was doing this in the Roman Empire long before they were even a legal religion, and when they finally accepted at legal they had a stone manger out front for people to leave orphans.

-Adopt a single mother. Stop having a guest bedroom and have a guest.

-Support food banks, or better, TexasHunger.org

-Imagine alternatives to violence.

-Impact poverty. Somehow. Get creative… or just pick something in place and run with it. My money says less than 75% of the people reading this are doing anything right now, but I bet they bought a kitchen aide mixer, a TV, or a cell phone in the last year.

The above series of points come from my friend Dustin – they comprised his Facebook status about a week ago. Since then, the abortion bru-ha-ha on Facebook has given way to the debate regarding birth control and the panel convened yesterday before Congress.

Can I be perfectly honest for a minute? And this isn’t out of snarkiness, this is out of honest confusion: why are some people obsessed with how women treat their fertility? Being in community with someone and walking through a difficult time with them is one thing – standing outside clinics or on street corners and informing strangers of their opinion is another. I am – once again, this is honest confusion – not sure what the end goal is in accosting people.

I’m sure I could dig up all sorts of history and statistics regarding when people began to understand pro-life as only having to do with a pre-birth human. There are lots of historical records and sociological accounts as to how society has treated fertility or lack there of and those are fascinating but perhaps for another time. What I want to throw out to the universe is the question I haven’t been able to stop chewing on since I read Dustin’s status:

How can people reclaim the phrase ‘pro-life’ as being more than simply ‘pro-birth’?

I am – for the record – personally pro-life and politically pro-choice. I hope I never have to make the gut wrenching decision that hundreds of millions of women have had to throughout the ages. I am also thankful I am a citizen of a country where I am allowed to consider options, although I don’t live in one now. (Abortion is illegal in Northern Ireland – women have to fly to England for the surgery if they so choose.)

What would it look like to be holistically pro-life? How would people treat the death penalty or gun control laws? How would they view genetically modified food and the growing international obesity problem? How would they speak of human trafficking, genocide, war and other human inventions which claim lives? Would people talk about global warming differently?

As a confident but at times publicly reluctant member of the Kingdom of God, this is the conversation I think we need to be having. Dearest fellow members – can we stop talking about life as only existing in someone’s womb and instead embrace the mess that it actual is? Can we love people through that decision instead of trying to make it for them? Can we put our money where our mouth is and find families and homes for the millions of abandoned children throughout the world? Can we fight to fix the foster care system?

I understand for some Christians, loving people means hoping they share in a specific vision of morality. While I do not agree with that – either as a human, woman, social worker or theologian – I can respect those people are trying to love as best they can. What I’d like to invite anyone with that mental bent to think about is what does loving someone really mean?

I think loving someone means being patient with them. It means being kind and hopeful and not imposing my will upon their lives. It means being vulnerable and honest, caring and gracious. It means not keeping score of their wrongs against me. It means speaking truth within the context of relationship and making sacrifices for their well-being. It means knowing when to apologize and when to demand apology. It means laughter and joy, respect and communication.

I am not good at any of those things most days. My resolution for 2012 was to be better and I fear I have failed more often than not. I can make excuses – there’s been a lot of change in my life, PhD work is hard, being an ex-pat is stressful, communal living is difficult – but it comes down to me not making the choice to love as often as I should. So my reaction to my own question is that – to love better the people immediately in front of me at any given moment.

(I will also send letters to my Congress people telling them exactly what I think of some of these issues. I will support organizations and beloved friends who are on the front lines of this situation and I will find out what I can do here in South Belfast to make life better for others.)

may today be a day where I choose life and love so that others may choose it as well. may we understand complexity and embrace confusion and walk in light of love and grace remembering at all times that statistics have faces and stories just like ours.

 

 

five friday favorites: february third

Welcome back, friends! Or, I suppose I should say, “hello again!” Instead of offering explanations as to my verbal absence, let’s just jump back into routine, okay? Because the best kinds of relationships are the ones where it feels like no time has passed. Thus, away we go.

1. BBC’s Sherlock; Season Two. For anyone who hasn’t enjoyed the genius of this show, I seriously implore you to do so. There are only three episodes in each season and I’m fairly sure the whole party is on Netflix. A modern update of the Sherlock Holmes mysteries, the show explores shades of genius and manipulation in fascinating ways.

2. Game nights with favorites. I love movies and television and watching things with friends but after a while, you need something new to do. This term, the MC43 gang has decided to play more board games. Based on the past few weeks, this may be one of our more genius decisions.

3. As my research is much to do with women and Christianity, I am always interested in other women writing about how they navigate the maze. There are so many things I could link to here and will probably talk more about it over the next several seasons on here – but this article which appeared in the Guardian this week is intriguing. “Feminists Can Be Christians, Too“ by Kristin Aune

4. New Things, New Year: I talked earlier about having a bucket list for this year instead of resolutions. That theme has extended to the friend circle as we constantly nominate activities to do in Belfast that we’ve never done before. I love adventures.

5. This video, which explains where I live. You are welcome for the clarification.

 

january: summary

1. Lazy New Year’s Day. Went to go see ‘We Bought a Zoo’ with Sister, Mom and Ndeko, but spent most of the rest of the day in pajamas.

2. Shopping with Mom and Ndeko. Delightful.

3. Reading in front of the fireplace was most of my day, except when I had to hug my precious Ndeko “see you later”.

4. Read and wrote and snuggled with Puppy.

5. Watched some ridiculous movies and ate far too much food. Good day.

6. Big day in our wee family. Sister became a legally permanent part of us and we spent the day celebrating that reality.

7. Sister, Brother-in-Law and I had the house to ourselves. So we ordered far too much take-away food and watched ridiculous television. As we do.

8. Emailed in an essay and spent the rest of the day watching football with the family.

9. Some quick bits of nothing and visiting loved ones.

10. Last full day home for a while – so where else would I go but Long Beach Island? Had a simply delightful lunch with grandma and Mom and breathed deep the ocean air. Spent the evening snuggling with Brother and Sister.

11. Spent the last few hours in the States running errands with Mom before climbing in the car for the drive to Newark. See you in July, America. Stay Classy.

12. Landed in Belfast with no drama only to come back to MC and find that QUB had turned my electricity off. Delightful. Thankfully, Tacoma was awesome as always and let me crash in her room to steal plugs.

13. Spent the day writing a particularly hated and pointless essay, so made sure the evening was delightful. Take-away, couch, cheesy action movies, cute Boy. Done, done, done.

14. Tacoma and I found a new reality show trainwreck to get into – thank you ITV – while we enjoyed having a couch and a kitchen for the night. Thanks to Mama Cheesehead for giving us keys to her place while she’s away.

15. Headed out to Movilla to photograph a pretty cool event and spend some time with a favorite.

16. Did some work and then Tacoma and I played games, watched movies and laughed. Typical.

17. Penny returned to Belfast! So Tacoma and I played the “help Penny beat jet lag” game which always includes trips to City Center and brunch at The Other Place. I also met the Boy for a movie which turned into drinks until the wee hours. He’s inching ever closer to deserving a blog nick-name. We’ll see.

18. Penny and marathoned Sherlock and screamed at our TV several times. Flip, I cannot believe we have to wait until 2013 for new episodes of this wonder

19. Spent the day hunkered in Penny’s room waiting for Air Lingus to deliver her wayward luggage. We played Trivial Pursuit, analyzed some of the crazy in my brain and laughed.

20. Met the Boy for dinner at his place and then watched Top Gear: India and began to squeak with joy when they hit Jaipur. Gosh, I miss India.

21. I met the Boy at 12:30 and left him at 1:30 the next morning. Happy. Our day included viewings of the Underworld trilogy, which gave my Sister unspeakable joy.

22. Penny and I spent the day at Mama Cheesehead’s, making stew drinking, drinking B&Bs and enjoying championship football. I feel unbelievably bad for the Raven’s kicker.

23. A typical day in Belfast – reading, tea, dandering – ended in spending the whole night playing board games with Tacoma and Penny. Perfection.

24. Finished our marathon board game playing and the out with the Boy that evening. He certainly is becoming a re-occurring theme.

25. In what is a great example of my ridiculous life, Penny and I flew to London for a few days. After settling into our hostel, we found a pub and then dandered around Westminster to see it’s glory at night.

26. Bus tour, 221b Baker Street, a long journey to Tipperary, original Twining shop, organic gin, an adopted stout and dinner at one of Kenneth Braunaugh’s favorite places… yeah. Excellent day doesn’t even cover it.

27. After a WHIRLWIND run through the National Gallery, Penny headed back to Belfast and I boarded a bus to Oxford to see Coxswain for her birthday! We dandered and gossip and then I got to meet her people and was thrilled.

28. Coxswain and I decided that in order to properly celebrate her birthday we had to find ourselves in another country. So we headed to Wales. The evening got a little pear shaped, but we still had a class time.

29. Toured Cardiff, said ‘hi’ to The Doctor, ate lunch at a restaurant with too many “w”s and then spent the evening eating and drinking our way through Oxford. Winning.

30. Flight back to Belfast and then our first Pub Quiz of 2012. Things feel right again in Belfast.

31. Gormflaith returned! So we celebrated with lots of tea, leisurely lunch and then time introducing new friends at the Hewitt. Great way to wrap up January.

~*~

 

 

Summary: December

1: Flew to London to attend an inductionary training day at the British Library for social science post-graduates. Had a crazy conversation that reminded me I am exactly where I need to be in this world at this moment and then got to have Chipotle with a fellow Baylor Bear who works in London. Winning all around.

2: Nerd camp day #2 was not as delightful as day #1, but it was still helpful and affirming.

3: Flew back eeeeaaarly from London and then headed out to Waringstown to spend some time with the Love for Life family at Santa’s Grotto. Amazing to walk back into six-year-old relationships like no time as passed.

4: Went to Mama Cheesehead’s for the weekly football watching and got treated to snow as well!

5: Three month review with my two supervisors went surprisingly well. I am exactly where I belong.

6: Ran errands in City Centre, tracked events at Truett which you cannot talk about and spent time with favorites.

7: Dinner at a nice Indian restaurat and then drinks at a typical Belfast haunt were the activities included in date number two. Pretty perfect.

8: Couch, nice boy and Shaun of the Dead meant I was a pretty happy camper.

9: Ulster Rugby! My first match and I managed to not freeze to death. Upon returning to Mount Charles, the night got random. But a really good random.

10: Great evening at Mama Cheesehead’s with the favorites, take-away and cheesy TV. Spent most of the latter part of the evening on twitter waiting for the announcement and then screamed when it come: RG3 WON THE HEISMAN!

11: Some favorites and I gathered at the Eggletine Inn to watch the X-Factor finale which was not even a little bit surprising. But there was also some pretty amazing ham.

12: MC43 Christmas Extravanganza! “i don’t like being partitioned!” third place. fenton. fantastic dinner. perfect secret santa gifts. laughing until we cried. why yes – I do declare the mc43 christmas extravaganza to be a whopping success.

13: Exhausted for most of the day, but hit up the delightful Lisa Hannigan concert with some favorites that evening. Also got to squeeze some time in with a cute boy. Winning.

14: Amazing lunch with a cohort favorite, then the department Christmas party, then the final module of the term (where Professor Sprocket drew elephants on the board) and then some see-you-later drinks with graduating favorites. Cap of the evening in MC42 kitchen, sipping tea and chatting with my girls; great way to bid Belfast temporary adieu.

15: Belfast -> Newark -> Yardley. Traded one home for another.

16: My first morning home included Wawa coffee and time with the puppy. Perfection.

17: Drove the car and got in on the correct side. Small victories are important.

18: Annual family viewing of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Yes, Brother still does a mean Grinch impression.

19: Got to break bread with the family at St. Andrews. Such a special reality.

20: Spent the day hating time zones and reading ethnographic research books.

21: Annual family viewing of White Christmas. Yes, we fast-forward through the awkward “Choreography” dance for the men of the family. We can only ask them to do so much.

22: Ran errands with Mama and tried to be productive. But who wants to read about ethnographies when they can hang out with their mom? Especially my mom who is fabulous!

23: My sister and I have become slightly obsessed with Downton Abbey – she’s newer to the addiction but no less fervent – so we watched several episodes. As always, we declared love for Dame Maggie Smith and hatred for O’Brien and Thomas.

24: Got to finally see a favorite and catch up on her wedding plans. She asked me to be a part of it and I nearly cried. Then, family dinner included duck a’lorange for me (so happy) and then Christmas Eve service included live animals. As you do. We also exchanged sibling gifts and mine spoiled me rotten. Crying too hard to say “thank you”.

25: Happy Incarnation Day!

26: The siblings and I went to see The Muppets and nearly danced with joy on the way out. Some of the best money I’ve spent in a long time. That night, Mom won the nut and my loosing streak continues.

27: Scandanavian Family Christmas! Tree lighting, carols and catch-up time with cousins I only see once a year.

28: Read some Foucault, drank some (okay, a lot) tea and snuggled with the puppy.

29: Delightful day of errand running with my mom and then settled in for the evening with the whole family to watch Baylor win the Alamo Bowl. SIC ‘EM BEARS!

30: Woke early for a few appointments and then raced to the Trenton train station to collect my precious Ndeko! So glad to have her within hugging distance, even if only for a few days.

31: Ringing in the New Year with the Yardley family, plus Ndeko and one of Brother’s best friends. Cannot wait to embrace the promise of 2012.

 

2011: A Literary Year

So, I read a lot. I decided to start keeping track of the books I read – partially as a challenge to myself to see if I could make 200. I read some truly excellent ones and some truly horrible ones. I really do recommend the ones I’ve bolded – but some of them may not be your particular passion. Also, don’t judge me for some of the fiction I chose. We all have our coping mechanisms. One of mine for graduate school is mindless reading.

 

top tens: popular culture

I love lists and during this time of year, I especially love perusing everyone else’s summaries of the year. I offer mine because maybe I got to see or read things you didn’t or maybe to be another voice lauding a particular feat of creativity this year. Thus, without further adieu and in no specific order: my top tens of popular culture for 2011.

movies

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part Two
2. We Need to Talk About Kevin
3. Crazy, Stupid, Love
4. X-Men: First Class
5. The Help
6. The Muppets
7. Love and Other Drugs
8. Moneyball
9. Captain America: The First Avenger
10. Ides of March

podcasts (all available on iTunes)

1. “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me”
2. “Hang Up and Listen”
3. “Cultural Gabfest”
4. “XX Podcast”
5. “Stuff You Should Know”
6. Guardian Book Podcast
7. “Stuff You Missed in History Class”
8. NPR Book Podcast
9. “WTF With Marc Maron”
10. “This American Life”

tv shows

1. The Big Bang Theory
2. Downton Abbey
3. How I Met Your Mother
4. Modern Family
5. The Hour
6. The Good Wife
7. Parenthood
8. TrueBlood
9. Homeland
10. Game of Thrones

As far as music and books go, sometimes I’m behind the times. So below are the top ten of each I enjoyed this year, regardless of their year of publication or release.

music

1. Adele
2. Mumford & Sons
3. The Avett Brothers
4. Yo-Yo Ma
5. Ingrid Michaelson
6. Lisa Hannigan
7. Dave Barnes
8. Andrew Peterson
9. Darren Criss
10. Craig Colson

books: non-fiction

1. Terror in the Name of God by Mark Jurgensmeyer
2. Almost Christian by Kenda Creasy Dean
3. After Mandela by Alec Russell
4. The Body Project: The Tortured History of American Girls by Joan Brumberg
5. Sites of Violence, Sites of Grace: Christian Nonviolence and the Traumatized Self by Cynthia Hess
6. Bossypants by Tina Fey
7. Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me? by Mindy Kailing
8. How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran
9. After Shock by Kent Anan
10. Cinderella Ate My Daughter by Peggy Orenstein

books: fiction

1. Room by Emma Donahue
2. Admission by Jean Hanff Korelitz
3. This Is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper
4. Romancing Mr Bridgerton by Julia Quinn
5. Marcelo In The Real World by Francisco X. Stork
6. Sisterhood Everlasting by Anne Brashares
7. The Submission by Amy Waldmann
8. Cry, the Beloved Country by Allen Patton
9. Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle
10. Every Last One by Anna Quindlen

~*~

What are your favorites? Is there anything you’ve encountered this year that I simply must add to my list?

 

pinning dreams

 

For the uninitiated, Pintrest is easily the most social acceptable addicting thing I participate in. It’s an online series of corkboards, which allows people (yes, mostly women)  to “pin” images from around the internet onto themed boards and then allows other users to browse said pins. It’s like a delightful tumble down Alice’s rabbit hole.

One of the trends I’ve noticed lately is to post visual “bucket lists”. I found one particular person’s this morning when I clicked on the graphic at the beginning of this post. What struck me is that I had done almost everything on that person’s list. They want to go to Prague – check. They want to eat a cheesesteak in Philly – check. They want to go to Platform 9 3/4 – check. They want to finish a graduate degree – check. I’m sure there are other dreams this anonymous user has that I have not fulfilled and never will, but I had this moment of gratefulness. I have had an incredible journey and one which promises to be more incredible as the years go on.

I’ve decided to make a bucket list myself – but specifically one just for this next calendar year. I have some seriously promising adventures coming up but some others I’d like to craft. In the monotony of my daily life – reading, writing, tea drinking – I want to remember to find joy in those moments and be thankful for the privilege of my life in Belfast. It feels more celebratory than resolutions, doesn’t it?

What are your resolutions/bucket list items for the next season of your life?